| So, I guess I "magically" managed to fall asleep after eight..in the morning, and went back to sleep after nine.
Before I fell asleep, I was thinking about this boy because I have no idea what my feelings are toward him.
I can't even remember what the heck I was thinking..haha.
But, he was in my dream. Again.
I had this dream before, except he was in it. It's been happening a lot lately. Me having dreams I had in the past, and the new people in my life just being added.
All that I remember is living in a cul-de-sac and we were running low on water, so we were rewarded SO little. And I mean, so little. So little where I was considering on not taking a shower for a week. Anywho. Apparently there was a meeting about it, or something. He was sitting next to me, and he started getting bored and put his head on my shoulder and I told him, "Uh. I'm not much of a shoulder rest. I'm tiny, haha." He didn't lift his head up anyway, so I adjusted my sitting position from slouching to sitting up right for him. I started getting sleepy, too, so .. I think .. I leaned toward him, but then we just laid ourselves down. We ended up laying down with my back facing his front side o.o When I lay down on my side, I have my hands near my mouth. He had his right arm over (or behind, I'm not sure) my head trying to hold my hand "in his sleep." I was hesitant at first, but it took me a while to realize that I do want to hold his hand. Then I think I took control of the dream and thought to myself that people at this point now think we are one, so I saw some of them talking to one another as if gossiping about us.
I guess this is an unbelievable dream for two reasons:
1) I can't even imagine him in a relationship O.o
2) My feelings are still unclear,
but I feel like this dream kind of convinced me of what they are;
I am not sure if I should let them though /:
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| Miserable.
Helpless.
Feeling alone, but of course in reality you really aren't..
Worthless, used again, but nothing's different
I guess, the thing I am most afraid of is having a marriage just like hers. Or having a marriage ending up just like hers. I do not give a shit how much I love or even not love the person I end up marrying. As long as I do not feel alone helpless. I mean, it's shitty enough that I have felt helpless for pretty much the majority of my life (7 - 19 years.) I shouldn't have to feel helpless for the rest of my life where I sadly expect to feel awesome, happy, and flying off the top of the world. The moment, if ever, my future marriage hits helplessness, then I am going to burst.
I hate to say it, but it was one of the things that came to mind here and there when I was in my last relationship. Honestly, I felt like we would wound up like that or even worse, but, I trusted him so much to never let that happen. In the end, we ended before we even stepped into that chapter.
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| WHY AM I SO FUCKING HELPLESS
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| I finally talked to you about it. Kind of. But I didn’t spill my heart out to you. There is no need to. I will keep these feelings to myself: subsided and surfaced and all. It is selfish of me if I do, and I want to do the unselfish part of letting you be happy with the choices you decide to make despite how deep my feelings are toward you. Just know, when you are gone..I really will miss you..but, a part of me feels like I’ll miss you more than she will (if she does)..because she has you..I don’t..I get to miss something that was in the palm of my hands, and I refused it.. |
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| Do you believe me when I say I will miss you? I wonder what way you think I mean that. I keep telling myself. I constantly tell myself. I continuously tell myself that I only want you because you have someone else. It’d be funny if I was wrong about that. Whether you want that person as a person or just so you will not be on the brink of loneliness, I do not know. Whether you still want me or not, I do not know. You have all these flaws, but they do not seem to phase me at all. Your smile still gets to me and you are just so much fun. Whenever it is just the two of us I still feel so much comfort around this unbeknown awkward atmosphere. Maybe I feel the comfort because it’s more real than the others’. Sometimes I wonder if you actually kept trying, then things would be different, but you just gave up….does everyone like to give up on me? I hide things so well. I make up excuses for everything so well. Now that I think about it. Even if I did want you — you as a person not an object. The way I would get you….I wouldn’t earn you.. |
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